Words you never imagine hearing...

This month has been an insane one, on October 9th I went in for an annual exam and to talk with my OB about getting pregnant. We have been trying for about nine months now to no avail, I switched doctors because there were some issues I just didn't feel like I could deal with again if I did get pregnant with the same OB I used for Coop and I just had a good feeling about switching. The exam was fine until he felt my thyroid and said "my dear, your thyroid is very enlarged, this is the biggest thyroid I've felt in my whole life" I thought "perfect, my thyroid levels must be off and that must be the cause of this fertility issue" easy fix. He had me get my blood drawn to check my thyroid hormone levels and also wanted me to get in the same day for an ultrasound, but they couldn't get me in until the next day for the ultrasound.

That night I tried to remember everything I learned and I also read all that I could find on hypo and hyperthyroidism, thinking that must be what was going on with me. The next morning Ry met me so he could hang out with Coop while I had my ultrasound, which I was told would be a 15-20 minute appointment and ended up lasting almost an hour, I kept looking up at the ultrasound screen thinking, that doesn't look good or normal, and the tech was super quiet, not that I know how to read the images, but I just didn't get a great feeling. Later I got a call from my nurse and she told me all my levels were perfectly normal and as soon as she heard back from the radiologist she would let me know what the next step would be. I didn't hear back until the next Monday, and she said that Dr. Cox wanted me to see Dr. Fritz who is a surgical specialist, they got me in with her the next day.

Ry met me in the hospital parking lot to hang out with Coop while I had my appointment and our friends just had a baby so they went to visit them as well.

 I really like Dr. Fritz, she was very blunt and up front, which I love. She drew a picture for me and told me that the mass on my left lobe of my thyroid is 3.8 centimeters, which is pretty big, they remove them regardless of what they are made up of once it hits 4 centimeters. She told me that she needed me to get an ultrasound guided FNA (fine needle aspiration) on my thyroid and then proceeded to tell me basically the three things that could come of it. The first being, it would come back unreadable, in that case they would either do another FNA, the second being it could be benign or basically enlarged cells, and she would recheck it every six months to make sure it hadn't grown to or passed that marker of 4 centimeters. And third, of course was cancer, which in that case they perform a thyroidectomy and take out the entire thing and i'm on medication for the rest of my life. They scheduled the FNA of my thyroid for the following Monday, but I changed it since Randi was going to be in town until Wednesday so she wouldn't have to wait around while I got that done.

My Dad took off work to come hang out at our house while Ry went with me to radiology where I would get the procedure. The doctor, Dr. Williamson, was super nice and the nurse I had was great as well. When he got in there he looked around for a while and kept making comments on "how large this was, and it was a good thing Dr. Cox found it," and throughout the procedure similar comments that were so comforting to hear. The lidocaine shots were horrid, they hurt SO bad, maybe it's just because necks are so sensitive, but my eyes were watering the whole time he was numbing me. Once I was numb he took five passes, used five different needles to stab around and collect the thyroid cells, to make slide to send to the pathologist. The first pass he said, wasn't a very good sample, and that it was mostly liquid, that was encouraging until the next pass when he said, it seemed a bit calcified. Ry was pretty sick from watching all of this happen, he was pretty pale and looked like he was going to puke. The nurse said "don't worry, if it is cancer, this would be the one to have" all the words we were hearing were not things we were wanting to hear. So that was a Wednesday and I had my follow up the next Monday with Dr. Fritz.

I had Ry give me a blessing before he left for work that morning, my nerves were fried from the anxiety of waiting to hear the results. I went to the gym that morning like I normally do and as I was walking in the words came to my head as clear as can be that "you have cancer and you're going to be okay" and I just thought to myself that I am just thinking crazy things and I need to calm down and relax. My appointment was at 11:45AM and we ended up just bringing Coop with us, Dr. Fritz came in and said she was still waiting for them to check one more thing before she got the final report, about two minutes later she came into the room to go over the results. She said "it looks like you have papillary thyroid carcinoma, cancer" I felt kind of numb after that and was pretty silent as she went on to tell me that we needed to schedule surgery sooner than later, she touched on the radiation therapy and ablation I would have after surgery and told me I would need to have another ultrasound to make sure my lymph nodes weren't enlarged, Ry asked a few questions and I just sat there, stunned. Coop had had it, it was his nap time, so Ry took him out while Dr. Fritz coordinated the surgery schedule with the nerve guy, someone has to monitor my nerves along my esophagus, vocal chords etc the entire time I'm under, there will also be another surgeon in addition to Dr. Fritz during surgery in case anything goes wrong. Dr. Fritz came back into the room to tell me my surgery date, and asked if I was okay, I told her I was and I knew I'd be fine, she then told me if she had to choose a cancer to have that this would be the one because it is a high success rate and it doesn't usually show up for another 40-50 years in some other part of your body, not super encouraging, but what can you do? She also set up my ultrasound for the next day and said that I didn't need to worry, that i'm thin enough she figured she would be able to see them if they were enlarged. During my appointment Kaid texted me and Marcus called me. After my appointment we walked over to tell me Mom, I didn't cry until I told her, I guess saying it makes it a bit more real that just hearing it. Ry gave me a hug and told me that he knew I would make it threw it and he had to head back to work and I had to get Coop home for a nap. Deep down I know it's all going to be fine and that I will do great, it's just something I never thought I would ever hear or go through.

The next day, Tuesday, I had my ultrasound to see if my lymph nodes were enlarged, that morning I took Coop out to hang out with my Dad since he had taken off work to get ready for his scout spook alley. Coop was super excited to make Mickey Mouse waffles with Boppa. The tech had to bring another radiologist in to help her find what she was looking for, and she did lots of measuring and I kind of just knew they were going to be enlarged but I just kept thinking positively that no matter the outcome that's the way things are supposed to be. That was probably my roughest days so far, I was kind of sad and just a little weepy, something that's not normal for me.

The next day I got a call from Dr. Fritz, she told me all my lymph nodes are pretty enlarged, very enlarged on my left side and pretty enlarged on my right and that she needed me to go in for another biopsy as soon as they could get me in to make sure the cancer hasn't spread. She also said that if the cancer has spread that she would be unable to do the surgery and would have to send me down to Huntsman for a neck dissection. I had picked Ry up that morning from the mechanic to fix one of their work trucks and he was in the post office when she called, as soon as I hung up with her I just cried, Coop was sitting in the back seat and said "Momma, don't cry, don't cry" Ry came out and I told him the news, he held my hand and drove for me. Ry had a meeting the next day during the time that they set up my next FNA so I called my Mom to be in there while I got it done and my Dad took off work to hang out with Coopster.

My appointment was at 1:00PM and we didn't get back into the room until almost 2:00PM. A different doctor, Dr. Stephens, did this biopsy. I wasn't too sure about him for the first little while he was in the room, he seemed kind of cold and hardly talked to me, but by the end we were buddies, I finally broke him out of his shell. He looked around with the ultrasound for quite a while "trying to figure out the best plan of action" he said that all the nodes on the right side were literally touching my carotid artery and the ones on my left side were touching my jugular vein, so he was going to have to be extremely careful, obviously. At first he thought he would just ("just" haha,) have to make about fifteen passes, five on three of the nodes and then found another one he wanted to biopsy, so he took a total of twenty passes and probably injected the lidocaine about three to five times for each node. Again, the numbing part was probably the worst, the position he had my neck and head in were the most uncomfortable positions ever, my head was tilted up and turned to the side so my sternocleidomastoid was flexed while he was injecting me and taking samples. I'm so glad my mom was there with me because it was super painful and lasted over two and a half hours, by the end I was super light headed, I forgot to eat lunch before I came and it was after 4:00PM when we got out of there. They gave my strict instructions not to lift anything for 24-48 hours, not so easy when you have a thirty pound two year old always saying "hold you" and the fact that it was Halloween and we had plans to got to a few trunk or treats didn't make it easy and I couldn't shower for at least 24 hours because they didn't want me to risk getting anything inside the needles pokes in case of infection. My neck was so swollen I looked like I was bitten my vampires on both sides, I thought to late to have him leave some of the blood, it would've been perfect. After that rough appointment I headed home to get Coop ready for trunk or treat, luckily Ween was there to help me and then Ry's family helped me at the trunk or treat. After that we just relaxed at my parents and I iced my neck, not the happiest or best Halloweens I have ever experienced, but I think Coop still had a good time.

I am still waiting to hear back on the biopsy results from Thursday, I bet i'll get the call tomorrow. Fingers crossed for good news!